The hairdo cometh

Hold on to your hats, kittens and cats, because Papa Jon is making a prediction: Mitt Romney wins the GOP nomination. I'm basing that largely off the news that arch-conservative and Moral Majority co-founder Paul Weyrich is the latest right-wing celebrity to endorse him. If you've got them by the Moral Majorities, their hearts and minds will follow.

I don't know if this is good news or bad for those of us who would, on the whole, prefer not to elect another Republican president. (Journalists are supposed to be objective. This is, in a word, difficult for those of us in the opinions section.) On the one hand, Mitt Romney is an opportunistic hairpile who trims his sails to the political wind like some sort of Mormon buccaneer. Let that image sink in for a moment: "Avast there, you dogs; and answer us this question: Do ye ever feel as if yer searchin' fer meanin' in yer life?"

Seriously, though, it's comforting for liberals to think that the presumptive Republican presidential nominee is simply a run-of-the-mill politician, rather than a god-bothering half-wit with tyrannical advisers. It would even make the unlikely event of a Republican victory in 2008 that much more tolerable: How bad could he really be, compared to this guy? Even if Hillary gets the Democratic nod and puts this proposition to the test, I really don't think that the electorate is dumb enough to vote for the "just folks" candidate after eight years of President Bush screwing them over. And although I think Hillary Clinton would make a fine president, I think the Dems could make the question academic by nominating somebody else.

On the other hand, though, he's clearly the biggest GOP wheel still spinning. Rudy Giuliani is the kind of Republican that "values" voters love to hate, in addition to being mildly insane. By contrast, Mike Huckabee is mother's milk to those same "values" voters, but this makes him a total non-entity in the general election. (Although as a fellow bass player, I give him some grudging props. Also, he's pretty bright, for a far-right-winger.) John McCain is...well, life support is putting it generously. Fred Thompson is the most underwhelming celebrity candidate ever, and that's saying a lot. (Hear that, Colbert? That'll teach you to punk out after one puny little state party turns up their noses at you.) Ron Paul is, well, a space alien -- very much the conservative equivalent of Dennis Kucinich, sans statuesque, red-headed wife. (Remember, Ron Paul internet militia -- keep the comments clean.) And, of course, the only way Tom Tancredo could make his racism more explicit would be to hand out white hoods with his campaign logo on them.

Actually, Republican or Democrat, everybody ought to be happy with the prospect of a Romney candidacy. All hail the hairdo!