Sally Kern Speaks Her Mind

"The homosexual agenda is destroying this nation," Oklahoma state Representative Sally Kern said in a recorded conversation that recently found its way to Youtube. As a heterosexual, I'm not an active member of the gay community, but a sideline supporter. So forgive me if I'm misstating the facts, because I'm not allowed to subscribe to the "gay agenda" newsletter. Fortunately, though, as an open-minded American I've learned to network with these so-called "abominations" and have learned that there is indeed a gay agenda lurking in America--that of equality.

Yes, it's a dangerous time in the United States. While us straight people are off legislating love at our state Houses, gay people everywhere are formulating an evil, loathsome plan. Apparently they're asking to receive the same rights afforded to the rest of us. No, no, there's no similarities here between the Civil Rights Act and gay marriage. Banning black people from using public bathrooms is nothing like banning gay people from marriage licenses. It's all just an odd coincidence.

Sally Kern, of course, isn't gay bashing. She says so in the audiotape. Calling homosexuality more dangerous than terrorism is the truth; it's not gay bashing if you're telling the truth. You see, while we're worrying that Barack Obama is secretly a Muslim, we're overlooking the real danger to America.

"Gays are infiltrating city councils," Kern said. Review your Constitution, ladies and gentleman. What? You don't have a Constitution handy? Well that's terrible! Allow me to read the fine print for you: It seems that gay people are not allowed to hold public office! Somebody warn Larry Craig!

I will concede one point to Kern, however. In her statement, she says that children as young as two years old are being taught that homosexuality is an acceptable lifestyle. Now, my twin nieces are just two years old, and they haven't a clue what the word "gay" means. To be honest, they're still working on their "turtles" and "purples." When they're old enough, though, you damn well better believe that they'll be accepting of all people regardless of gender, race, or sexual orientation. If they grow up to sound anything like Sally Kern (and they won't, trust me), I'll have failed as an uncle or role model.

Oh, and as for that part about gay-straight alliances ruining lives? Ms. Kern, you haven't seen anything yet.