Friday, November 16, 2007

Brand an asterisk on the indictment charges...

Is it already that time again? Time for ol' Barry to take over every sports section of every paper in every state of every country on every planet. I hate using words like "flabbergasting," but this is a necessary evil...

The death grip Barry Bonds has on media is flabbergasting.

I mean, Double B didn't even say or do anything this time, but you knew something was going to happen. It was that odd sensation, an Admiral Ackbar type of sensation, where things were quiet...

Maybe too quiet...

Then televisions everywhere exploded with images of Barry Bonds hitting home runs despite the fact that the text bubble on the bottom of the screen said that the man pictured above has been formally accused, by the government, of purgery and obstruction of justice.

My first thought was, "Why are they showing him hitting home runs? This is their chance to run the ultimate Barry Bonds blooper reel."

Then it hit me.

I'm going to have to read about this cheating, media-hating, team-isolating, lying, manipulating, steroid-using, scar on baseball for months to come. This might be worse than Kobe being accused of raping that girl because at one point in that trial we all thought, "I'm pretty sure Kobe is innocent," but in BB's case, we're going to have to hear about it every time someone hits over 50 HRs in a season, or comes close to the single-season record, and lord knows when ARod comes close to Barry's record, it will be all about Bonds. He is going to be the lingering cancer on baseball that simply cannot be operated on. He's spread too deeply in the system, the record books, and the club houses, to ever be fully and successfully extracted.

What's worse than the act itself are the people that defend Barry.

"He still has to hit the ball, and that's not something steroids can help you do," they all say.

What an asinine argument. That's like saying about a swimmer, "He still has to jump in the pool, that's not something steroids can help you do."

Of course he has to hit the ball, hell, give me some hacks at it, I'll make contact eventually, the fact that his balls go 450 feet and land in a pool of screaming fans who pay Barry's enormous salaries, that's what the steroids are doing.

You can't look me in the eyes and tell me, with a straight face, that you thing Barry didn't cheat, that he hasn't hurt the Giants organizations and the game of baseball in general, you just can't do it, because every human who knows what a baseball even looks like can tell you that Barry's been juicing.

When he came into the league, his head was 8 hat sizes smaller than it was last season.

Simply put; you cannot make your head grow that much without assistance from HGH or other steroid-esque drugs. While it may go without saying, some will try and convince you that this is at all possible.

In the end we all suffer. Tax dollars are being senselessly wasted on this conceited douchebag, baseball will never fully recover, and now I have to see Barry Bonds during football season as well.

You want a punishment that fits the crime? I say we brand an asterisk on Barry's forehead and tattoo a footnote on his back reading:

* - Only a shell of human being, void of all normal (and required) human emotions such as self-respect and respect for others.


Jon Gold said...

You'll "make contact eventually?" Do you suppose you could hit .300?

Jeff said...

Probably not, but I wouldn't be in the Cooperstown or being paid outrageous sums of money to play awful defense and part-time offense.

While you may jump on bandwagons well enough, you probably need a lesson or two on how it is baseball actually works outside of the big red money machine.