Seinfeldian blog about nothing

I realize that we’re expected to write about current events and politics, but try to think of an unfunny episode of Seinfeld when you read this blog about nothing. I just can’t help myself. Today it’s not politicians or government antics that are irritating me, it’s my alarm clock. It’s not just any alarm clock, it’s the hellspawn of morning greetings and it’s more exasperating than waking up to Ted Kennedy with a bullhorn.

I won’t go into details about my ability to sleep through anything, but if heavy sleeping were an Olympic sport, I’d be on my way to Beijing in a few months. Perhaps someday I’ll be wealthy enough to hire a staff of people to lift me out of bed every morning and set me down in front of a cup of coffee. Until then, I need to cut my addiction to the snooze button, so I started to find more unconventional methods.

I considered the adorable little robot Clocky. This little alarm clock with wheels will jump off your nightstand and hide from you so that you can’t hit the snooze button. Think of it as having an alarm clock running loose in your house. This may be worth the investment in amusement value for someone with pets, but it’s not practical for my small apartment and it’s no match for my fortress of furniture, shoes and laundry throughout my tiny bedroom.

I finally decided that a product called Sonic Boom should do the trick, but it has quickly become my arch nemesis. It’s hard to gauge what 113 decibels sounds like, but just think “Air Raid Siren.” Not only does this thing feel like someone’s drilling sharp objects into your ears, but it shakes the bed to wake you up. There’s a little extension that you put under your mattress and this is no gentle nudge, this is more of a quake.

So, desperate times takes desperate measures, I started using the alarm clock and it’s made me a miserable human being. It can’t be healthy to wake up every morning feeling like you’re waking up in WWII Europe during an air raid. I’m still deciding if it’s worth it to wake up pissed off at the entire world, even if it is in a timely fashion.

I haven’t even mentioned the cruelest part of this instrument Satan: The size of the snooze button is about ½ cm. What evil engineer came up with this idea? It’s awful. I’m awake, I’m functioning, and I’m blogging. Just be wary the next time you see me and if we start to argue, make sure I don’t have any sharp objects.