Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Republican Party Of Iowa Chairman Mike Strawn's New Comedy Routine Is Hilarious

Update: An expanded and polished version of this post ran as my column in the Daily Iowan's print edition on March 13--check it out here.

The Iowa Independent reports:
The Republican Party of Iowa, according to chairman Mike Strawn, is a sturdy stool, which needs all three legs to remain functional.

“We don’t need to change who we are to win elections,” Strawn said during remarks to the Linn County Republican Women on Tuesday afternoon. “I’m proud to stand up for the three legs on the Republican stool — pro-family policies, fiscal responsibility and a strong national defense that includes secure borders.”

What Republicans need, according to Strawn, are candidates who can effectively bring that message of three to the people of Iowa.

Continue reading.

Ha, ha, ha! Those crazy Iowa Republicans. They're such adept comedians. And so willing to make fun of themselves--because that's obviously what's going on here.

What, you don't get the joke? Let me explain it to you: each leg of the "Republican stool" has a name that means the opposite of what the Iowa GOP actually represents. His doublespeak is so blatant that Strawn can't really expect anyone of intelligence to take it seriously.

By "pro-family policies," Strawn means "Christianism." Iowa's Republicans don't care about the well-being of families. They care about using the coercive power of the state to enforce their sectarian religious precepts. If these bigots really cared about families, they'd be in favor of gay marriage--or at least civil unions. There's simply no excuse for leaving families headed by gay parents out in the cold. Refusing to recognize the validity of such nuclear families hurts the gay parents, but it hurts their children even more. And most Iowa Republicans couldn't care less.

"Fiscal responsibility" is just ranting about the waste involved in subsidizing black welfare queens in Chicago while simultaneously holding out one's hands and demanding equally wasteful and even more pernicious farm subsidies that are, if one's honest, just welfare for corn and soybean farmers. Likewise, it also entails objecting that increasing domestic spending on infrastructure projects is irresponsible while having insisted for years that building bridges in Iraq is a good use of American tax dollars. Really, all "fiscal responsibility" means to Iowa Republicans is bleating like sheep that Obama is a socialist after having dutifully followed Bush to our collective economic slaughter.

And "a strong national defense that includes secure borders" is just another way of saying that the best way to protect the United States is to squander all the blood and treasure we can spare in establishing Neoconservative colonialist fiefdoms in the Muslim world while at the same time pursuing a puritanical prohibitionist strategy in the all-important "War on Drugs" to the point of destabilizing Mexico enough to risk pushing it into failed-state status. Because that way we not only have no money or troops left to actually secure our borders, but also create as dangerous a situation as possible along the entirety of our border with Mexico.

So, like I said, Strawn is quite a talented comedian. And he's obviously correct in saying that what the Iowa GOP really needs now are "candidates who can effectively bring that message of three to the people of Iowa." But I'm just not sure there are enough clowns of Strawn's comedic caliber in the state to step up and become those candidates. Or enough idiots to actually vote them into power.

1 comment:

Nate said...

Come now, Christopher. There are TOTALLY enough idiots to vote them in! Just look at Steve King!