Thursday, January 31, 2008

And now for something completely different.

As we're dealing with shady campaign strategy, hype over what looks to be one of the most boring Super Bowls ever, and the State of the Union, let me ask a completely worthless question about something that's completely irrelevant.

Why do we need straws?

I hate straws. There are two instances in which people should use straws; if they're injured and unable to bend their neck or move their head, and if you're drinking on the go and have a lid on your cup. Otherwise, straws should be outlawed. They suck.

Straw user, you suck as well. Literally. Seriously, why do you need a straw? Are you honestly that lazy that you can't reach that extra four inches to your cup or glass or can or bottle? And don't give me that "sanitary" argument. Wipe the damn can or bottle down. It's fine. You're not going to catch anything.

Last semester I got tons of shit from my fellow writers for scribing a column about a girl in my class. I thought she was cute, until I saw her reading People magazine, then I grew disinterested. One colleague couldn't believe I called this girl out. Well brace yourself, because I'm doing it again.

Another semester, another cute girl in another class. This one seems genuinely intelligent, providing conversation about politics and global issues. But she comes to every class with her cute (the annoying cute, not the adorable cute) little can of diet Red Bull. She cracks it open a few minutes in to the lecture, and pops out a damn straw. One day it was a red-and-white striped bendy straw, the next it was a clear straight straw. I hope, I pray, that she doesn't bring a crazy straw. Ever. I don't know what I'd do, but it wouldn't be nice, and I'm pretty sure she would never flirt with me again.

And that slurping noise when nothing is left in the can and she continues to suck on the straw. AAAAAGGGHHH!!!

We don't need straws. If I see you with a straw, you better be in your damn car, or walking to class, or whatever. And there had better be a lid on your stupid drink. Stop being a pansy and ditch the straw.


Jon Gold said...

Yeah, who doesn't like putting their lips on metal cans that have been handled by about 14 teamsters and maybe dropped three or four times on the ground? Fartbubble.

Yes, this should make for interesting conversation in meeting tomorrow.

Nate said...

Wipe, Jon.
It's called your tshirt.

Kathleen said...

A few comments in defense of straws:
1.) How else are we supposed to get the juice out of the box?
2.) I don't like it when the ice cubes hit me in the nose.
3.) Lipstick.

I would venture to guess that the cute girl in your class is in category #3. This is one of many reasons why I don't wear lipstick, but for practical purposes, lipstick wearers tend to be straw users. Without a straw, the Red Bull can would smudge her lipstick and some jackass columnist would probably write a column about how ridiculous she looks. Next time you see her, check her straw for lipstick marks and you'll have your answer.

Nate said...

She's a natural-type-girl. Think Burts Bees meets an athletic and not-annoying Tyra Banks.

Okay, so how about "tear-top" juice boxes? Unfold the flap and open, sip like a cup.

We don't need straws, I'm telling you. Is lipstick on a paper cup really that big a deal?

Kathleen said...

I don't think the tackiness of lipstick on a paper cup is as much a factor as not having to reapply lipstick every ten minutes b/c you just washed it off with a big gulp of saccharine filled energy. I hate lipstick. I think I have some kind of oral fixation b/c it always smudges off. I'm always biting on the back of pens or drinking 8-10 bottles of Woodpecker cider or two bottles of wine... it's just a pain in the ass. But, some girls won't go out in public w/out their lipstick. I don't know how they do it. I don't understand how they walk in those heels either. I was too busy hanging out with the boys to learn all of those secrets I guess. But I do know - you lose less lipstick on a straw. And if you drink out of a can after putting Burts Bees on your lips, you get waxy minty lip balm all over the can. Again, straw is much more practical.

Jon Gold said...

It's stuff like this that gives me hope for the future of journalism.

Wait, not hope. Hemorrhage-inducing anger. ENOUGH ABOUT THE LIPSTICK ALREADY!

Greenzo out.