Dare to be Smart

Unlike Mr. Whitney, I am a native Iowan. However, that doesn't mean that my blood pressure stays any lower when I am out driving during the winter and desperately trying not to succumb to my urge of installing a guided missile system for my Passat - because if anything can make that happen, it's German engineering. Sniffling aside, the Floridian does makes a good point; most people are dumbasses when they get behind the wheel. Add some precipitation to the mix and you have full-fledged morons racing to be hazards on the streets. Let's be honest, driving in snowy or icy conditions does afford some measure of patience and understanding when it comes to assclownery behind the wheel. The same cannot, however, be said for another seasonal event: the hibernation of basic parking skills.

I cannot stand it when cars are parked poorly. January through December. Every one hates the pricks that take up two stalls, especially in a parking ramp where the d-bags understand that taking up two spots is going to throw off the count and cause some poor schmuck to drive around until a spot opens. Those are the type of people that we should keep Gitmo open for; think just because you drive a truck, SUV, or tricked out clown car, you deserve two stalls? You are a threat to public health; to Cuba with you, and I'm sure we'll get a lawyer to see you really soon. Meanwhile, back in the continental 48, nine less people die of aneurysms each week. Osama bin Laden's driver is nothing compared to the threat these d-bags pose to my well-being.

Why is it that the moment the first dusting of snow touches the ground people feel it is justifiable to park however they want? All of the sudden it's kosher to just get your car in the general four stall vicinity of a parking spot. Hell, park it at 180 degrees even if all the other spots are at 90 degrees. There are flurries on the ground, people will understand. How could the rest of us not appreciate that you couldn't see that you are perpendicular to all the other stalls?

The more common asshat is the driver that parks downtown at a meter, except they park about 2 feet off-kilter; thereby, throwing the entire row of parking spots off. Once one driver does it, everyone else decides it's a license to excuse their own mindless parking job. Of course, it's only really noticeable when a responsible driver parks correctly and provides empirical evidence that indeed an plague of asshat-itis is in the area. Just because the lines aren't pristine doesn't mean that you can just swing your car in at any angle or park it in the general vicinity of the meter. It's not hard people. The DOT doesn't move the lines during a cold night in December just before the first snowfall and then move them back before the thaw. I promise you that the spot you have parked in all year is still the same dimensions.

It's cold, it's miserable. Try to be a smart and courteous parker to ease the pain. Otherwise Santa might bring you a crowbar-sized dent in your hood and broken taillights for Christmas. Besides, taking more than you deserve makes Baby Jesus cry.