Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Political Science for Dummies

From the chain email that my admittedly batshit cousin Donna-Jean sent me:

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

You have one cow.
The cow is has a dissociative personality.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.


Anonymous said...

Now here's office chain-letter I haven't seen since the early 1990's.

(In albeit slightly expanded form.)

Anonymous said...

African-American Coorporation

You have two cows.

You have a market advantage as they produce chocolate milk and the government gives you unlimited grants to succeed.

You sit on your house stairs drinking 40s and smoking menthols.

Your cows are starving.

You smoke weed.

Your cows die.

You blame the white cows and people who work, but didn't do your work free of charge.

Socialist Coorporation feels sorry for you and taxes the workers to make everything better.

You are blind drunk.

Anonymous said...

And I'm guessing the reason you haven't seen it is because it's incredibly sophomoric and juvenile, not to mention the purest form of prejudice and bigotry?

Glad you can post mindless drivel on here without anyone noticing, jackass.

How do you sleep with yourself at night, with such a rotten-assed soul?

C. T. Gilbert said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Black man said...

I'm the guy that posted the second comment here...let's make one thing clear - I'M BLACK. Okay, not ture, I'm bi-racial, but most would call me black if they saw me. And you know why I added that post, because it's FUNNY. My father, who is black (mom european and korean) works for a minority owned small black bank - his department barely does 100 million in loans (small potatoes in the banking world).

Stop taking yourselves so seriously. I encourge my friends of all races to make the off color jokes around me - BECAUSE they are funny. The fact that they are willing to actually makes me believe racism is coming closer to and end - you know racism is on it's last leg when you can make those jokes around one another and truly enjoy it.

And for the record did anyone get that I typed "coorporation" the whole time to add to the joke? Seriously, this stuff is gold.

The thing is, I bet the other comments were from white people who are on their crusades again - I'm so sick of guilty or whatever the hell the right word is - white people. You didn't enslave my ancestors, it isn't your fault.